I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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