I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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