I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
