My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
