saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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