I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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