He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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