so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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