I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
