Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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