I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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