There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
