Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
