I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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