i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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