Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
