Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
