He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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