I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
