I need to stop coming to work sober
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So vagazzling was a success
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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