He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
