and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
