Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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