never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize