Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she pinky promised me she was 18
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
