Someone shit on the floor
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
