if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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