you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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