I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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