I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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