I wish I could punch you in the face.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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