She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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