My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
