I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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