i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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