So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize