Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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