you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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