I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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