I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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