Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
