I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
