There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
