I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I forget how to act sober
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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