I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
