I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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