i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
