i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
