I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
