eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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