she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
