You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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