I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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