Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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