Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
