I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize