Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize