You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
