my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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