I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
