I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
