I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
